Recently I’ve been feeling like since moving to the United States, I essentially put my whole life on “pause” to get settled here. For every big achievement, there was the lingering feeling or thought of “Once I get this done, then I can do xyz”. There was always something that needed to be finalized first before I could do anything else and that construct was weighing on my mental health heavily without me realizing.
First it was “I need to finish college first then I’ll move”
Then “I need to apply for my green card then I’ll get a different job”
Then “I need to extend my green card and then I’ll buy a house”
Then “ I need to get my citizenship then I’ll be able to travel more”.
It literally was always something. I finally got my citizenship and passport last May and at this point it’s been a full year and nothing has changed - I was still waiting for some invisible thing to give me permission to do the things I wanted to. It’s such a frustrating feeling to be losing years of your life by not focusing on the present or being in the moment. It’s even more frustrating when you realize after the fact what you were missing out on.
I used to be so adventurous and curious - I was always trying something and sharing with those around me. But my anxiety ruined that part of me. It got to a point where I would only do things if someone was able to go or do it with me. For example, if I wanted to go for a walk I’d ask someone to go with me. If that person said no then I just wouldn’t go. I was limiting myself and my life experiences out of fear and being anxious. Not just the fear for my safety in this crazy world but also the fear of being perceived, the fear of looking incompetent, and even the fear of wasting mine or someone else’s time.
On this new journey I’ve challenged myself to do anything I can think of even while scared. It doesn’t matter if I look ridiculous, it doesn’t matter if I’m doing it alone and it DEFINITELY doesn’t matter if I don’t like it after I’m done. Just try it. At this point the goal is amassing life experiences, completing side quests and just living.
Do it scared
I’m making a list of things I want to try at least once, things I want to learn, events I want to go to and places I want to experience. This list will be ongoing, dynamic and some things might even seem random but that’s the point. I’m committing myself to getting as many things done by the end of my 29th year on 2027.
At the end of the day, I want to live a life that makes for an amazing story to tell and this list will get me there.
Stay tuned.
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